On December 21, 2013, I turned twenty years old. I wish I could remember what I did to celebrate. After all, it wasn’t that long ago. But for some reason, details like this get lost in my memory bank. I do remember what I did the next year on my golden birthday. To celebrate twenty-one years on earth, and all the privileges that come with it, my mom and dad took me to Red Robin. I had never been before and haven’t been back since. Afterward, we went to a few stores. This was nothing glamorous but clearly more memorable than whatever I did the year before.
What is seared in my memory from my twentieth birthday is that when my teenage years ended and a new decade began, there was little doubt in my mind that the next ten years would set the course for the rest of my life. My older brother had already married. I even had a niece and nephew. I assumed my other older brother, sisters, and I would soon follow in marriage.
As I waited for Mr. Right, travel occupied my time. Our reality show provided opportunities to see the world. When I wasn’t traveling for the show, I was going on mission trips, both in the States and internationally. Once a year, several members of my family would visit a maximum-security prison in Florida. We’d bring Bibles and books to the inmates. We’d show them a curriculum called Journey to the Heart from Bill Gothard’s ministry. These booklets talk about the conditions of the heart. We were trying to help the inmates identify their wrong heart attitudes—like complaining or bitterness—and replace them with positive heart attitudes—like joy and contentment.
After going through a Gothard booklet, we’d sit at tables and talk about how the female inmates could practically apply what they’d just learned. At the time, I thought this was a wonderful, useful ministry. I’d talk about having healthy attitudes and perspectives, maintaining joy during difficult trials, and taking responsibility for our actions. I’d also discuss God’s design and how He had something special planned for everyone. I felt good about the difference I was making—helping these ladies understand how they could improve themselves and their circumstances.
So much has changed since then. Now when I remember those trips to Florida and think about the women with whom I spoke, I’m filled with regret. I wish I hadn’t spent those brief hours talking about decisions, attitudes, and perspective. It was borderline silly for someone like me to talk to prisoners about decisions they could make that would improve their circumstances. Instead, I wish I’d taken those opportunities to tell the inmates how they could be truly free even while they were in prison. I wish I had talked about the radical love of Jesus Christ. Those women needed to hear about grace, forgiveness, and the hope of eternity.
Along with doing prison ministry in Florida, each year our family took at least one trip to the IBLP headquarters near Chicago and spent time with Gothard. Every trip to headquarters was a highlight. I considered Bill Gothard my hero, so any time I got to spend around this man of God was a thrill. I was certainly “starstruck” when my siblings and I would get to talk to him. He even came to our house once. We cleaned it for about a month in anticipation of his arrival. A few days before he showed up, the place probably smelled of bleach. Here’s a journal entry from a few days before he came. I was twelve years old at the time.
I am going to try to play Foosball with Mr. Gothard when he comes here with the fifty mayors from different countries. I can hardly wait for when Mr. Gothard comes here!!!!!!!!!
The nine exclamation points say it all. I was excited. And he really did bring fifty Romanian mayors with him. I think he was supposed to be some kind of spiritual mentor for those political leaders. And yes, I did get to play Foosball with him. Here’s my journal entry the day after he left.
It was a VERY, VERY GOOD time. It was AMAZING!!! Only six Romanian mayors were Christians!! It was really a neat privilege having Mr. Gothard here at our home. He also took time to play Foosball before he left! Jess and Mr. Gothard against Jill, Josiah, and me. Mr. Gothard’s team won!!
I was so eager to please, I was actually thrilled to lose. At the time, it didn’t really matter whether Gothard was playing a game, discussing leadership with mayors from Romania, or teaching the Bible: I was always eager to listen.
He always talked passionately about some new teaching he’d recently discovered. Sometimes the breakthrough had to do with a Christian discipline. He’d claim to have discovered the secret to prayer or the profound and previously overlooked physical, mental, and spiritual benefits of fasting. I remember him once talking about a new diet. He said that by connecting different ideas in Scripture for the first time, he had figured out what kind of food every Christian should eat if they wanted to live a long, healthy life and enjoy God’s blessing. Whatever Gothard was promoting, it was convincing and inspiring.
About three months before I turned twenty, I had probably my most memorable visit to the IBLP headquarters. Here’s what I wrote in my journal on September 18, 2013:
So this afternoon, Jana and I were at the Staff Center, and Mr. Gothard asked us if we’d like to go out for dinner with him and some of the staff. We agreed and said we’d meet him back there at 7:00 p.m. Well, it started raining at 6:45 p.m., right before we were to head over there. Just then, my phone rang and he offered to come pick us up. Up he came in his beautiful blue car. They hopped out and opened the car doors for us. We even drove right past Boston Market! We went to a restaurant called Omega. We had a wonderful time of discussion! It was truly a blessing getting to spend quality time with a man of such great wisdom. That was one of the most incredible experiences by far! I am so thankful to God for Dr. Gothard’s ministry. If it wasn’t for his obedience to God, I would more than likely not be here! We serve a powerful God! Another topic discussed tonight was how can we reach the most amount of young people in the time we have left here. I pray that God will expand the impact of the godly influences of our day.
Yes, the Boston Market reference is a little odd. But that was Gothard’s favorite restaurant. So it was a big deal when we drove past one, heading to a nicer restaurant. I certainly left Chicago that year with a fresh, new way of thinking about the Christian life. At the time, I didn’t realize that I was also leaving Chicago with more commands to follow and rules to obey.
After those meetings in Chicago, we’d drive to Michigan for Journey to the Heart: a seven- or ten-day retreat mostly for young people ages thirteen to thirty. The program was also used in prison ministry. It focused on the heart conditions that people must have to experience God, understand who He is, and live out His expectations. Throughout the summer, and a few other times during the year, IBLP ran this program from the Northwoods Conference Center in Watersmeet, a small town in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula that felt like it was hours from civilization. Sometimes I was there to learn. Other times, I went to serve in the kitchen. There was a massive lake at the center of the property that I’d often circle on long prayer walks. One week I memorized the book of James. I still remember most of the book to this day. I’m incredibly grateful for that. The program was intense, and at the end of it, I did think I was closer to God.
Most years, I’d also travel to El Salvador and Honduras, where we’d visit local churches and try to help them in any way we could. We’d run programs for children. We’d deliver Christmas gifts. We’d take groceries to families in need. I looked forward to these trips each year. The Christians in both countries were kind, joyful, and loving, even though they had so much less than most Americans.
When I wasn’t involved in ministry, I was usually filming, either at home in Arkansas or on the road. My late teens and early twenties were a particularly busy season with the show. They were the last few years of 19 Kids and Counting. The episodes became more invested in the lives of us kids as we became adults and started to court. We did a show with Habitat for Humanity in Alabama. We spent a month filming in Europe, the Middle East, and Asia. We did a wilderness survival camp. We spent a month in Tennessee, helping our friends build an addition to their home.
All the travel introduced me to many people who were different from me—including Christians from different backgrounds. The time on the road was a good introduction to adulthood and a season of life that I look back on with gratitude.
While our family was on the road, young girls would often introduce themselves and ask us for advice. Many of them were trying to figure out how to navigate relationships with parents, friends, and, of course, boys. My three older sisters—Jana, Jill, and Jessa—were getting the same questions, so we decided to write a book. We thought of it as a way to continue those conversations and start new ones. The result? Growing Up Duggar. This book was published in March 2014 and became a New York Times bestseller.
Our book was “all about relationships”1—with parents, siblings, friends, boys, and God—but much of its content was influenced by Gothard’s principles. In that book, I explained how Gothard’s seven basic principles applied to my life. The idea of the umbrella of authority made it into the book. So did some of Gothard’s reasons for why girls should dress a certain way, avoid different kinds of music, and watch out for witchcraft in movies.
We also included a lot of content about how to have a successful life. I don’t see the same road map for success today that I saw then. I mostly see a young girl who needed to learn a lot more about God, the Bible, and life before claiming to have answers. Here are a couple examples of ideas that I was so confident about when I wrote the book but now find to be unhelpful. They could even be harmful.
In a section on making wise choices, I was critical of one of the most wholesome TV shows of all time: The Andy Griffith Show. A couple pages later, I talked about the history of rock and roll, a topic I had not studied thoroughly.2
For a girl who was barely out of her teenage years, I had a lot of confidence. I was sure I knew about a lot of topics. The older I get, the more I realize how little I actually knew and how hesitant I should have been to urge readers to avoid certain shows or musical genres.
In the spring of 2014, my sisters and I went on a book tour to promote Growing Up Duggar. We signed books in places like Chattanooga, Tennessee; Harrisburg, Pennsylvania; Raleigh, North Carolina; Alexandria, Virginia; and Birmingham, Alabama. We enjoyed traveling the country together, and we met a lot of young girls at each stop. Most thanked me for the show or book. Many told me they’d started wearing long skirts because we wore them on the show. Others told me they planned to court instead of date when it was time to consider marriage. They were especially grateful for our clean, wholesome values.
At the time, nearly all these conversations encouraged me. They made me feel like I was making a difference. Because of the show—and my commitment to Gothard’s principles—lives were being changed. Young girls were becoming more modest, pure, and virtuous.
Less than a year later, I realized something important was missing from most of those conversations. I was neglecting to tell those girls an essential, life-changing truth. Today, I’d have a much different message for those girls and a much different response when they told me about the external changes they had made because of the show and Growing Up Duggar.
I wish I could tell them that I should not have emphasized man-made rules so much in my first book. I would try to help them understand that the Christian life is about Christ. It’s not about clothes, dating guidelines, or music. I’d probably point them to Romans 14:17 to remind them that “the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.”
Because soon after the book tour, my life was turned upside down and transformed. The change started when my best friend met the love of her life.
Though I get along with all my sisters, Jessa has a special place in my heart. She is my closest sibling in age, only thirteen months older than me. She is fifth and I am sixth of nineteen Duggar kids. Growing up, Jessa and I were together all the time. Though all the Duggar girls shared the same room, I often felt like I was roommates with only Jessa. Our beds were next to each other for my entire childhood. We did everything together. After finishing our schoolwork, we played card games, drew, or went shopping. When our massive family went on trips, Jessa and I always stuck together.
I think we get along well because we complement each other. We aren’t carbon copies. Jessa has a stronger personality than I do. I often hesitate to speak my mind and share my opinion. Jessa is the opposite. If she doesn’t understand something or doesn’t agree with what she’s hearing, she’s not afraid to ask questions or disagree. When I was a teenager, I couldn’t imagine speaking my mind with as much boldness as Jessa. She also has an outgoing spunk. She doesn’t get nervous when she meets new people. I love Jessa for who she is. I’ve learned so much from her as we’ve navigated life together.
A few months before Jessa and I went on the book tour for Growing Up Duggar, seventeen-year-old Ben Seewald walked into our church in Arkansas. He had seen the show a few times and, he admitted later, thought Jessa was cute. The church service might not have been his focus that particular Sunday. Jessa was twenty years old. At the time, that seemed like a big age gap, but Ben wasn’t intimidated by an older girl. Jessa felt the same spark of interest as Ben. Their relationship started in the middle of 2013, not long after they met. They were together for eleven months before Ben asked Jessa to marry him. They tied the knot on November 1, 2014.
As Ben and Jessa’s relationship became more and more serious throughout 2014, they started taking trips to the Seewalds’ home a few hours away. Under the courtship rules, they couldn’t make these drives alone and needed a chaperone. I was the obvious choice.
Thankfully, Jessa and Ben were always kind to me. They didn’t seem to mind having me along, and I enjoyed being the third wheel, having a front-row seat to the first year of their relationship. And I was literally in the front seat of Ben’s small truck. From the moment we started the drive until we arrived at Ben’s home, the conversations didn’t stop. Occasionally, I would jump in, but most of the time I was happy to just listen. Jessa and Ben talked about everything, and I loved how honest they were with each other. They talked a lot about their faith during those car rides. Theology—the study of God—was probably the most popular topic. What is God like? How does He redeem people? What does it look like to obey Him?
Anytime Ben would explain something during his conversations with Jessa, he would quote an entire passage of the Bible to make his point. He didn’t pick one verse to support an idea. He let Scripture speak for itself.
I don’t know if I’d ever heard someone treat the Bible that way. Most of the Bible teaching I heard from Gothard was topical in nature. Though Gothard wasn’t a pastor, and he lived more than five hundred miles away, his teaching featured prominently in the home churches I attended each Sunday morning. In these settings, my family and a few others would gather to sing and learn. Sometimes a father from one of the families would share a devotional. Other times we’d watch a video of a Gothard seminar or another Bible teacher.
Bill Gothard would pick a subject and tell us what he thought the Bible said about that topic. He would begin a seminar with a problem, then he’d find a solution to the problem in a verse or two. He’d spend the rest of the seminar—sometimes sixty to eighty minutes—giving his opinion on what that verse meant and how it applied to our lives.
Of course, Gothard made it seem like his opinion was synonymous with the Bible’s teaching. Once he convinced you of Scripture’s command to obey him, he’d say you needed to take a vow to follow what he’d just said. Through this process, he would use Scripture only to make whatever point he wanted to make.
Because I’d spent so much time listening to Gothard, I thought individual verses in the Bible were best used as evidence during arguments. I had memorized lots of them as my defense for what I believed. Of course, single verses can be helpful, but they don’t explain everything the Bible is saying. The Bible is a book. You don’t take one sentence out of a book and make it say what you want—or assume that, based on the one sentence, you know what the entire book is about.
As I chaperoned Jessa’s new relationship, I realized that Ben didn’t do that. He would talk about entire passages of Scripture, not just a verse or two. He would carefully reason from the text. He talked about what the Bible meant—not always what it meant for him or how it could be applied. His perspective on the Bible was different from mine. I didn’t realize at the time how much I was learning from Ben. I wouldn’t understand how much I was benefiting from those car rides until I met Jeremy and we started having similar conversations. Jeremy also had this amazing Bible knowledge, and I was eager to talk to him about Scripture. I think my eagerness was there because of what I heard during those drives with Ben and Jessa.
Starting with those car rides and going through my relationship with Jeremy, I would learn that I needed to stop asking myself what the verses I was reading meant to me and instead try to figure out what God was saying about Himself. When I did that over the coming years, I would begin to see that the Bible is more interested in telling me who God is than giving me guidance for every small decision I make. God is the main character of the Bible; I am not. I had never thought about the Bible that way. I honestly hadn’t considered that it was God’s story. This was the beginning of a massive perspective change in my life.
I’ll never forget Ben and Jessa’s conversation about the sovereignty of God—the idea that God oversees everything. He rules over the earth, both nature and humans. Over the next few days, I looked for places where the Bible talks about God ruling over creation. They were everywhere. Here are a few of my favorites:
I had read those verses and the passages around them before, probably multiple times throughout my life. But until I started to focus on God when I read my Bible, I didn’t have a category for God’s sovereignty. I hadn’t truly understood what these verses were saying: I am not in charge of my life. I don’t get the credit for anything good that happens to me. Suffering and hardship come from God. My sin and foolish decisions may contribute to them, but ultimately, suffering comes my way because God sent it.
God graciously opened my eyes to see His sovereignty all over the Bible. It seemed that every passage I read was saying the same thing: God is in charge. In my journey away from the teaching of my youth, this was the first step: a realization that the Bible places God at the center. God is the ruler of the universe.
As I read, I also started to pick up on new elements of God’s glory. He didn’t create the world because He was lonely. He created it to increase the fame of His name.
God’s glory was the focus of entire chapters in the Bible. This was another big change in my thinking. I’d always thought my job was to be a light to the nations. I wanted others to look to me and want the successful life I had. Now I saw that my job was to point others to God. His glory was more important than anything.
As Ben and Jessa’s sidekick, I would visit the Seewalds for two or three days at a time, mostly over weekends. From the first time I met them, Ben’s parents made me feel like I was already part of their family. His mother, Guinn, is one of the kindest, sweetest women I have ever met. She loved hosting Jessa and me, and she always made us feel right at home.
The Seewalds made an impression on me, specifically because they didn’t dress the same way I did. The women wore pants. They listened to music I didn’t. Ben and his siblings were homeschooled like we were, but they were part of homeschool co-ops. The girls worked outside the home. So much of their lifestyle and decisions didn’t line up with how I thought Christians ought to live.
A lot about the Seewalds’ church was different as well. Their pastor simply walked the congregation through the Bible. He explained what a passage meant when it was originally written thousands of years ago. He didn’t preach sermons about topics. He let Scripture speak for itself.
I left each service wanting to hear more. There was an exciting sense of freedom and satisfaction that came from simply knowing more about the Bible. I started to see changes in how I thought about God. I started to see how He was working in the world and how big and powerful He was compared to how small and weak I was. I wasn’t yet ready to question everything I believed—not even close. But I was ready to consider the possibility that someone who didn’t know anything about IBLP or Bill Gothard could be truly following Jesus and living a meaningful, joyful, God-honoring life.
My conversations with the Seewalds were the first step on my journey of disentangling wrong beliefs. The next step began when I met a man who bravely upheld the Bible to show me why my beliefs were not biblical. Not long after Ben and Jessa got married, this man became a part of my journey—and a permanent part of my life.